Coaching with LDS values

Episode 109: When Your Adult Children Are Disappointed in You. This is Bonnie Lyman, and you are listening to the podcast, loving On Purpose, episode 109. When your adult children are disappointed in you, welcome to the podcast, loving On Purpose. I'm your host, Bonnie Lyman. If you're having trouble navigating through your relationships with your adult children, if you are struggling to connect with them or having specific challenges, you're in the right place. Hey, welcome back my friend. It's so good to be talking to you again this week. I think we're gonna make it through winter. I. Uh, it always seems like the longest season of the year, depending on when it comes. We have had a pretty mild winter, but I am anxious for the days to get longer. And spring is coming. I can feel it. And I have the very fortunate opportunity again this year to be in Hawaii. Last year we were here for a couple weeks, and this year we are here for the whole month of February. And it is heavenly. I just wish everyone could do it, and it makes February very bearable, and when we come home, you can just feel spring in the air if nothing else, because the days are longer. The topic I'm gonna talk about today is. Us, we as parents, how to deal with and what it means, and what it should mean, and how we should be dealing with it when our children are disappointed in our actions. And when we're the circumstance, when we say something or do something and they are disappointed in us, and if it hasn't happened to you yet, it's going to happen. Our children are going to disappoint us, us. And were at some point in time going to disappoint them if not all the time. I mean, it seems like when they were teenagers, we were a big disappointment to them. But as they became adults, and whatever that happens is on. A different timeframe and a different age for every single different child. But we expect them to act a little more adult in their response to something we do that they have a different opinion about. But it doesn't always work out that way. But the bottom line is. That's okay because it's good to have all these adult humans on the earth with different opinions. That's what makes life so interesting. I believe one of the main purposes of coming to Earth was to learn how to get along or, um. At at least, um, be able to respond correctly when we have. Opposite, uh, perspectives, opinions, and viewpoints. When anyone is disappointed, it's because of an expectation they had of how another person, uh, would act. And then they act completely differently. Most despair, hurt, or suffering comes from reality being different than our expectation. I've had several clients work with me. That they felt unsupported and hurt over their children's objection to their parents. My clients announcing that they are moving to a different city or state. I, I never imagined in my coaching, um, business that I would be dealing. With clients that had to deal with such a thing, but it comes up more often and not, and so I'm going to use this example of these parents that want to move, um, as they have retired to a different location. Um, and it may not even be that their children were living in the location that they wanted to move from. It's all also interesting. I just thought of that. Oh, I had one client where her daughter requested that she. And her husband moved to the state where she was living so that she could be closer, um, to herself, the daughter and her, um, spouse and the grandchildren. And upon arriving there. Uh, she didn't want very much to do with them, but that's a whole different story. But it's, it's these expectations we have that when they don't work out like we thought they would. Um. Then, then there arises a conflict and a hurt. Um, so my client's concerns about, um, their children not being very supportive. Of their decision to move, caused them, um, to feel hurt or what, whatever feeling they were feeling, unsupportive, hurt, um, disrespected, but. It was not only not feeling supported, but my, um, clients would feel disappointed and disrespected, like I mentioned, and sometimes even angry, um, at their children's reactions. Another concern my clients had was their fear that their children would be so upset over this decision that they would lose their relationship with their children. I. And especially lose, have the fear of losing their relationship with their grandchildren. And I will address that concern, that fear, fear in, um, next week's episode. So let's examine, um, this first concern of their children. Not being supportive of their decision. Usually, um, their thoughts are something along these lines. They should be more supportive. They should realize I've studied this out and it was a hard decision to make, leaving where my family is living. Or perhaps where the in-laws. Were living so that it made, uh, coming to this one location much easier to visit both sets of parents and then. We have thoughts justifying our decision downsizing. Maybe we wanna go to a warmer climate. Maybe there's more physical and emotional opportunities in this location we've decided on. Or maybe it's more conducive even to activities for the grandkids. Um. Just so forth and so forth. The truth is they get to have an opinion, but they about you and what you wanna do, but it's really none of your business. How they feel about your decision. I don't mean that in a selfish way, but in a realistic way. This is not your problem when they disagree with your decision or your opinion, it's their problem, but we oftentimes feel hurt. And maybe even start to doubt in our reasons of why we thought our decision was the right decision, because we might have a thought. I caused them to feel disappointed. But listen up my friends. A negative feeling is a vibration or any feeling is a vibration we have in our body. When we have a thought or an opinion about something, if we have a positive thought, we're gonna have a positive, a good feeling. When we have a negative thought or opinion, we're gonna have a negative feeling or it's not gonna feel the way we want to feel. But you don't have the power to jump inside somebody's body and make them have the feeling they want to have or make them feel any feeling for that matter. They are actually choosing from them. Selves to feel disappointed by thinking, disappointing thoughts or negative thoughts. Coaches often talk about clean pain, so I'll try to describe that to you a little bit. Clean pain is a good pain. Pain that is generated by loving one so much that when they move, or let's say even die, they are missed. Until, um, that person adjusts to the change in the circumstance, whether that person has died or moved further away or to a different place or whatever the cause of them making this decision was made. You, you not being in a certain place causing them to feel unsupportive, disappointment, disrespectful, angry, whatever. Clean pain is when we miss them. And are sad, um, because they have left clean pain. In this case would be if the adult children, I. Were disappointed and sad because they felt they would not see their parents as often or say in the case of death, if at all. But dirty pain is when they are feeling selfish. For you not considering their feelings, their opinion about your decision of some action you made. I believe it was actually Eleanor Roosevelt who, who first said What other people think of me is none of my business. When your children get angry and disrespectful about a decision you have made, they are in the middle of a problem that is none of your business to solve. They get to make decisions about their lives, and you get to make decisions about your life. Isn't that the best news ever? We do not have to make decisions according to other people's demands, wishes, or feelings. It's not. Your responsibility and it's not even within your power to make someone else happy. It took me a long time to wrap my brain about this. I had to train my brain that other people's opinions about what I do is really none of my business. I can't change their opinion. No matter how defensive or persuasive I get, they have to be the instigators of the change. So our business. Is and should be all about what we think of ourselves. Who do we want to be? How do I want to respond to my disappointed, upset child when I tell them I am moving? How do I want to show love? Working on that, and that is our priority to me, is the best news ever. What other people think is not meant. To give you permission to be uncaring about how they think or feel. It is meant to mean that you are just not responsible for solving or taking away their negative emotion. If you want to be a kind, respectful person, you probably would say something like this, I'm sorry. You're so disappointed about our decision to move and I love you if you get in their business. By deciding to change your decision in order to make them feel better, you could in the long run, feel a lot of resentment that you caved in to their desire. Do you find yourself taking over people's negative feelings and making them a problem for you? Then you are in someone else's business. Staying out of our children's business is one of the best gifts we can give them. Just as a baby falls down after trying so hard to stand up and walk, it's the falling down and learning how to get up that strengthens his legs to hold his little body up. Plus the practicing of balancing on two legs. Our children need experiences. Of strengthening themselves on having to do hard things and make adjustments in their life that aren't their most favorite things to be doing. Focus on what is your business. Not why other people react the way they do, but on how you can be a better you and always react with respect and love, even when you might disagree with their opinion. You don't have to agree with other. People's opinions, but you do need to work on reacting as the person you want to be to their opinion. I hope that we can all work on being the kind of person that we want to be. This is where we will get the result in our lives that we so want to have and how we can have more influence, um, over our children. If you like this podcast and you think somebody else could benefit from it, I encourage you to share it with somebody else. That's all I have for you this week and next week we'll, we'll talk about the fear of losing. Our grandchildren if we go against our children's wishes. If you like this, be this episode and you felt it was of benefit to you, I ask you to share it with somebody that perhaps it could also benefit. But if you're still feeling kind of stuck in that you don't know how to apply, what was talked about or where to start on on changing your thoughts, on changing your perspective, on bettering your relationship, get on a call with me. And we can have a discussion and I can tell you how to apply it and where we start. And then you get to decide what you want to do about this relationship that maybe you're struggling with with your adult children. There is no reason to go on the rest of our lives struggling with our relationships. With our adult children, let's assume the best. Let's assume that we all love each other and we're just trying to figure out how to maintain our own boundaries and respect another ones. But I can help you with everything, so just go to BonnieLyman.com and book a call. I can't wait to hear from you. .