Coaching with LDS values

Episode 108: How to create the results you want in your life.This is Bonnie Lyman, and you're listening to the podcast, Loving on Purpose, episode 108, How to Create Wanted Results in Your Life. Welcome to the podcast, Loving on Purpose. I'm your host, Bonnie Lyman. If you're having trouble Navigating through your relationships with your adult children. If you are struggling to connect with them, or having specific challenges, you're in the right place. Hey out there, how are all of you guys surviving January? Some places, January. It seems like winter is eternal, but it is what it is. I'm trying my best. I have one of those, uh, lights. It's by, the brand name is Daylight, that I sit in front of for about a half hour every morning. That is supposed to help give you that vitamin D or whatever that the sun gives you. And I really do think it helps a little, but I know it's a time when the days are so short that a lot of us, and it seems like the older I got, the more that seasonal disorder affected me. So I hope you're doing well. I hope you're reading good books, listening to my podcast, and thank you, thank you, thank you for listening to another one. And I have a request again that I made last week on my episode. I am encouraging you to listen to this podcast at a faster speed. I feel like I'm talking a little bit faster, but as I get into the topic, it seems like I can get awfully slow sometimes. But some people tell me they like it slower because they can process it. But I appreciate all the feedback that You have given me, and again, I'm always looking for topics. I always have topics I can talk about, but I would love to discuss some of the topics that are Most on your mind that are most, most concerning to you. Some of you have reached back out to me and I maybe already talked about that topic. So I tell you what podcast to go listen to. But I'm excited. about the topic I'm going to talk about this week, and that is, you could say, the result line of the model. And last week, we talked about where our actions come from. And actions is the fourth line of the model. And actions How we behave and what we do are caused by our feelings. Now, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, go back and listen to my podcast, The Model is the Secret Sauce. And the model really is the answer to all our problems. And the more you can understand it, The more you use it, I use it every day, anytime I'm struggling with a negative emotion and I, I can find out why I'm not having the result in my life that I want to be having. So, last week, like I said, we talked about what we are feeling. causes us to act a certain way, or maybe we withdraw, maybe we overreact, but a lot of times we are not acting the way we want to be acting, but if we had different feelings, we would act a different way. Our feelings are always caused by our thoughts. So we do have control over not only how we show up in the world, but how we behave and what we're thinking and feeling all together gives us the result that we want to have in our life. If you're feeling resentment towards your adult children, You really can't fake acting like you're loving them. You think you can. but it's not very authentic and it just kind of comes through. So like I said, go back and listen to my podcast. The model is a secret sauce, especially if you're new to listening to my. podcast, or if you are unfamiliar with, um, you know, what I'm talking about right now. And if you're unfamiliar with understanding the self coaching model, even myself. who is used to using and showing clients how to use a model just about every day, I can get confused between what the circumstance is and how it is different. from the result in the model and what each of those parts play. I get stuck in the weeds, just like a lot of you, thinking that it's a circumstance. What's happening in my life has to change in order for me to get the result I want to have in my life. The circumstance is what is happening in our lives. We think this is what needs to be changed or we want to change. The circumstance might be something like, remember circumstances are facts. My son, 95 percent of the time, doesn't come to family dinners. We want to think if we could change this circumstance, if we could somehow talk him into, or make those dinners more enticing, or bribe him, or threaten him, or let him know how hurt we are that he isn't coming, and he Maybe started coming, but I have feelings about that too. That if we could change the circumstance, we would be happier. If he would come more often to family dinners, we would feel better. But like I said, reality is we have no control over the behavior of our children. Reality is what we most of the time can't change. Reality is the circumstance, and remember, the circumstance is everything that's happening outside of ourselves in our lives, or maybe something that happened in the past, but we don't have control over it, and we can't go back and change past happenings. The result is what we experience, the experience we are having from this circumstance, this happening. And do I like the experience I am having in my life in this particular circumstance? Or we could say the result could be, do I not? Like the experience that I'm having the result is the experience You are having with yourself and your life The result then is not caused by the circumstance It's not caused by how our children are treating us It's always caused by our actions our reactions or no actions to the circumstance. Actions may be referred to as our behavior. And our actions are always caused by our feelings, as I discussed in the previous podcast episode. And our feelings are always caused by our thoughts. Our thoughts, though, are triggered by this circumstance, or they are intentionally chosen by us to give us the feeling we want to feel. So we can't change our circumstances. But we can change our thoughts, and it snowballs. And when we have thoughts that give us a feeling we want to have, then we act like the person we want to be, and usually we get the result that we have decided we want to get. According to Brooke Castillo, When you have a negative belief system, this is your default to thinking negative thoughts as to what's happening in your life. You will consistently have negative results in your life. Let me say that one more time. Our negative belief system Which is defaulting to thinking negative thoughts about our life. Then we're going to consistently have negative results in our life. A collection of belief systems is what makes you, you. If you have a healthy belief system, you are more satisfied with your life. Or with your experience, or we would call that the result of your life in general. The experiences you are having in life, if you have a healthy belief system, are going to be more positive or more optimistic. Our thoughts build on each other and provide evidence. For each other. Unquote. I had a quote, I was quoting some, uh, Brooke Castile, Castile and interpreting it, but essentially, that's what she was talking about. Even though we want to change the circumstance in our lives, and sometimes we can, We can move from a cold climate to a warmer climate, but a lot of the times we can't change the circumstance. The circumstance of a child telling you that they will be spending one day with you and five days with their in laws, we can't control or change that. If I have negative judgmental thoughts, about this circumstance, then we aren't going to have a very good experience, even with the one day that we do get to see our children. We aren't getting the result that we want from them coming to town to visit. Our goal The goal is to get the result we want from any circumstance. Here's another way of thinking about the result of the experience of the circumstance in our lives. Are we being the person we want to be? What are we contributing to achieve the desired result? or outcome, what are we feeling and what do we want to feel from this circumstance, and what are our needs of connection and fulfillment and feeling of being appreciated. How is that going to be met in a circumstance like I gave of unequal time being spent at different parents homes? So we go back to, we think we want different circumstances, but circumstances are neutral. And they are out of our control. Remember, they are the happenings outside of us. They are the reality of our lives. What we want is a different result. When these un favorable circumstances are happening in our lives, but we can't change the circumstance. I know I've said that about five times, but we just become victims to our circumstances when we think it's a circumstance that is causing us not to get the result from that experience or in our lives because of Our children's behavior or whatever is happening in our life. We all want certain experiences and we actually expect them. When our family vacation was a disaster in, let's say, Your opinion, it is only because of an expectation you had. Your expectation might have been that you would be more included, more respected, more listened to, etc, etc. And if this doesn't happen, the result of your vacation Was the feeling that it was a disaster. We think that the circumstance has to change to get the desired or a more positive result when our thoughts are my children's actions need. to change. They need to include me more in their life in order for me to feel important and connected. We most of the time don't get the desired results. And an interesting fact is our results usually prove our thoughts true. The thoughts that we're having about this circumstance. We stay needy because we are not taking responsibility for our own needs. So we come off sounding needy and graspy. The result is our child runs from us because most people don't want to be around needy people especially when they're on vacation. And this is not the result we had wanted. So let me give you. Two examples, it's going to be the same circumstance, but with different results. My adult children are going to spend five days at the in laws and one day at my house. This circumstance is outside of my control. My feeling is resentment. and I feel unimportant. I want my result to be feeling appreciated and important. If I try to change the C or control my children, I don't get the result I want. Controlling might look like me saying, If you can only stay one day, I don't want you to stay at all. Just stay all six days at the in laws. If I were important, I would be given equal time. The result is I've damaged the relationship and I didn't get the result I wanted. of feeling appreciated and important. I've become the person who doesn't think their children are important enough to appreciate whatever amount of time they want to spend with me. But if I had a different thought, I'm going to squeeze all the good times out of that one day that I can. This would cause me to feel grateful and maybe cause me to say, I'm so glad we get to spend that day with you. And my result will be different and it will be one that I want and that I have actually chosen by choosing my thought. My result will be no resentment, but feeling appreciated and important for getting at least one day to love on them. Same circumstance, two different thoughts, two different results. Our results always prove our thoughts true. In the first scenario, when I thought, if I was important to them, they would stay with me equal times as the in laws. And if I have that thought, I end up not seeing them at all. The result will be that I am the creator of an experience where I feel unimportant and resentment. I created my experience with my children, my feelings. It's the very result I didn't want to have of feeling unimportant. Thinking the thought, if I was important enough to them, they would be acting differently. Another result I'd be causing would be for them maybe to have thoughts about my behavior, and this would become their circumstance, that would cause them to feel the very way we or I didn't want to feel, they would feel unappreciated and unimportant because I was not, uh, respecting their request. Now let's look at this second scenario to see how our results always prove our thoughts true. And maybe I should make that a little clearer. The thought was if I was important to them, they would want to stay with me equal times as the in laws. And the result was that they, they felt like they were not being Appreciated and important, and because of our thinking. Now let's look at the second scenario to see how our results always prove our thoughts. True. We have the same circumstance. Adult children are staying at the in-laws for five days and one day with me. If I have the thought, thank goodness we get one day with them, I'm going to squeeze as many good times out of that day that I can. The result is, at the end of the day, I feel grateful for all the good times that we had in that day. I proved my thought of being able to squeeze as many good times out of that day true by having the best day ever. I had the experience or the result that I wanted to have. We can still get the result we want. Without changing the sea. An example of this is, I lived in Africa for 18 months, and those people had nothing. And I think one time I sent out an email with a video from my time over there. And if you look at the people, they are not forlorn. They do not look like they are victims to the poverty in which they are forced to live in from having a corrupt government, but they are happy people. They find something good in whatever little they get. What all of this means to us, to get the result we want, we have to make it happen ourselves. And we do that by managing our thoughts. Thoughts cause feelings, feelings cause action or behavior, and our behavior gives us the result that we want. If you want to feel more included in your children's lives, what are you contributing to make that happen? If our behavior gives us our wanted results, think about what are you doing to achieve your desired results. Are you taking action to achieve the result or are you waiting to be acted upon? There is a scripture in a book. That is important. Not more important than the Bible, but equally important in the Bible to the Bible, and it's called the Book of Mormon, another Testament of Jesus Christ. And there's a scripture. in 2nd Nephi chapter 2, and it says, And the Lord gave unto man that he should act for himself. And because that men are redeemed from the fall, they have become free forever to act for themselves. and not to be acted upon. Think about what could I have thought to get a different result when you run into a circumstance that you didn't like the result. What would I have To think different, to result in having a different feeling. What can I do to have a different connection or relationship with my children? What can I do to feel more appreciated? You noticed it was never, what can they do? or what needs to happen outside of my life to feel better. There is a definitive answer to all of these questions. How do I get the results I want in my life when I want to change the circumstance but can't? It all starts with you recognizing That you have chosen to be a victim to your circumstance. If you feel you don't have control over your result. If you feel like a victim, you're waiting to be acted upon. You're waiting for somebody else to make a change. You're waiting for your children, perhaps, to change their behavior toward me. My friends, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you could be waiting a very long time. This topic could be a little advanced for a lot of you. I understand that. But it's the truth about being able to move forward in our lives versus being stuck in heart brokenness, resentment, feeling left out. There is a way out. You can choose to live the life you want to live. It's less difficult to learn how to do this when you get some guidance. And when you truly understand what's causing your suffering, You'll know how to fix you, fix you, not the situation necessarily, not the other person, but how to fix you, what you need to change so that you can create the life you want to live. I would love to be your coach and show you how to live a life that is better than you ever could have imagined. It changed my life when I learned how to control my thoughts, how to choose my thoughts, and when I learned what was the real cause. of my pain and not be a victim and not be stuck in the weeds, waiting for somebody to cut those weeds down. If you want some help from me. You can email me at Bonnie at BonnieLyman. com or go to my website BonnieLyman. com to get started. And I offer a complimentary strategy call. I believe one on one coaching is a way to find out how to solve any problem because your problem is unique to you. So if you book a call, and let's talk, it's complimentary. I'm going to ask you some questions, and I'm going to give you some help, and you can find out if coaching might benefit you. If so, we'll discuss my 8 week program without any pressure to join. But in this 8 week program, I help you practice seeing things from a different perspective and help you think new thoughts that your result is that you will live a more peaceful life with your adult children. I can't change your children. I can't tell you how to change your children. But I can help you change and get the result in your life, even with having difficult adult children relationships. It's been my pleasure to talk to you today, and I'll talk to you again next week. Have a great week. If you liked this episode, and you felt it was of benefit to you, I ask you to share it with somebody that perhaps it could also benefit. But if you're still feeling kind of stuck, in that you don't know how to apply what was talked about, or where to start on On changing your thoughts, on changing your perspective, on bettering your relationship, get on a call with me and we can have a discussion and I can tell you How to apply it and where we start and then you get to decide what you want to do about this relationship that maybe you're struggling with with your adult children. There is no reason to go on the rest of our lives struggling with our relationships with our adult children. Let's assume the best. Let's assume that we all love each other. And we're just trying to figure out how to maintain our own boundaries and respect another one's. But I can help you with everything. So just go to BonnieLyman. com and book a call. I can't wait to hear from you. .